If I hadn't Died, I Wonder Where I'd Be Today

 I believe I would be working in the school system since I had just finished a year long volunteering stint in my son's school with hopes of being hired for an assistant's job or maybe as a sub for a while.  I would still be living in my big house with the wonderful gardens that I had spent almost 2 years expanding and planting.  I loved my beautiful yard.  At this time of year I would have been thinking about my Spring planting and getting ready to do some more expanding and trying to grow some new veggies maybe.  I would be looking forward to the dogwood blooming and taking walks up in the back woods with my dogs and kids.  I would be an active part of the community and maybe would have joined a local church by now.  I had begun attending town meetings and made some friends and even took Yoga lessons, which I enjoyed.  I was normal.  I had a home and was an upstanding citizen.  Then I lost it all because of someone else. The person who was suppose to be my "partner in life".  All I did wrong was marry a dimwit.  And he killed me.

I still walk the earth like all the living and I might fool you into thinking I am just like you.  But my life ended in January of 2007.  In fact it took a while for me to leave, but once I was gone it was a relief.  Crying all day was not at all like living and letting everything I saw and heard chip another piece of me away was horrid.  I asked God to help me to not care just so I could stumble my way through each day since I had no choice but to get up and take care of my kids.  He eventually pulled me into another place where I simply survive.  Now, what bothers me most is the injustice of it all.  But I don't dwell on that because I have learned that the world is a most unjust place.  Hard lessons, yes.  But it's good to know where I really am.  It's good to know not to expect anything, even from the ones who should care.  I'm no longer fooled. 

Not much surprises me now that I have become one of the walking dead.  In fact I feel a lot like some of those Zombies portrayed in the movies except that I don't want to eat your flesh.  In fact I don't want to be around people at all.  That is when things are toughest.  Listening to the living talk about their lives, just like I used to when I was one of them.  And I shudder to think that they might ask me a question and try my best to get away before they do.  "Where do you live?" is the question I dread most, but any chit chat at all makes me want to run screaming from the room.  So I lay low and stay to myself.  I have absolutely nothing in common with anyone I know and none of them can understand that. 

On a brighter note, I am surviving quite well and have ideas of rejoining the living maybe at some point.  I'll have to see what God has in store for me.  I'm seldom surprised anymore and I never make plans.  I have one goal.  To get a place of my own to live.  To taste freedom once before I do leave this earth, body and all.  But if it doesn't happen, I know there is a better place waiting to welcome me.  A place where there are no square pegs who don't fit into a planet of round holes, and where no one is dead in any way, shape or form.

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say,
"I find no pleasure in them" -

Ecclesiastes 12:1