Dark and Lonely: The Pit Was Pulling Me In

By February 2008 I was living in my first rental house since I'd lost my home and things were not going very well.  My marriage was over and my husband still lived with us - but he had a girlfriend (I had recently discovered) and he was moving out.  The more I saw the real side of him, the more disappointed I became in myself for wasting so much of my life with someone so uncaring and self-centered.  But it was what it was.  

My son was unhappy in his new school, my daughter had decided to leave college - we could no longer help her out with expenses, and I had realized that I could not afford to keep renting the house we were in - so we were facing another move after just moving the previous summer.  I was subbing at the local schools and hated it, but needed to make some money so I could hire a lawyer and get divorced from the one who was pulling me down -before I drowned.

My husband seemed oblivious to it all.  He said he was finding a place to rent, but (as I found out at my divorce) he really bought a mobile home with his girlfriend.  He also moved some things into his parents house so he could occasionally stay there.  And life went on for him without barely missing a beat.  Guilt?  He had none.  Regret?  Apparently not.   He had ruined so many lives and it never seemed to affect him.

One thing I prayed for was justice.  There was little I could do but trust that God saw, and I knew he couldn't be happy with what was happening.  That fact gave me peace.

I thought I'd hit bottom at that point, but I was thankful for my children and the fact that they were all healthy.  There is always something to be grateful for - I could walk, and see and hear.  My mind was clear and my body worked okay - big things to be thankful for.

I didn't know what was coming, but I thought that I must be past the worst of it.  I was trying to find hope in the future - expecting good things to come.  Instead I found Job.  The book of the Bible that I began constantly reading.  Job's life had a good outcome - a great one.  But he suffered for a long time to get there.  And the only part of his life I could relate to was the suffering.  "I searched for light, and then came darkness".  Oh yes, in February 2008 the darkness was just beginning to fall.